Posted by amy on March 6th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Word has spread around the office I’m capable of cake decorating so I found myself creating not one, but two birthday cakes over the weekend.
Now while I’m sure these cakes brought immense joy to small children and rabid, photo-snapping adults alike, let’s not forget to focus on the benefits to myself. The original intent in providing free cakes to co-workers was a pitiful attempt at saying “thank you” in exchange for not beating me to death when I inundate them with stupid questions, blank stares, furrowed eyebrows, repeats of the same stupid questions, confused squints and a final “Hell, I don’t understand!”
As is often the case, people will feel the need to provide some sort of payment for services rendered despite your protests. Fortunately, one of these said people has a relative that owns a liquor store. JACKPOT!!
I’ve already offered my services for every birthday, anniversary, First Communion, housewarming, elementary school bake sale, baby/wedding shower, Bar Mitzvah (who cares it they’re Catholic, diversify!), holiday celebration or other occasion which could possibly necessitate a cake. Or cupcakes. I’ll bake up anything for the sweet, sweet liquor.
You can see both creations in the photos section of my website at www.amyland.org/cakes. Just scroll to the end for the castle and number one gifts cake.
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Posted by amy on February 1st, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
According to the White House blog and several news agencies President Barack Obama has declared an emergency exists in the state of Arkansas. Rightfully so, but let me clarify that this declaration should have nothing to do with the recent weather. Ice and cold temps aside, there are some concerning things going on down here:
- I was in a meeting to learn more about company benefits when the presenter used the words “….so if you don’t got no diabetes then you won’t need to worry.”
- The local gas company wants to charge me an additional $3.95 to pay my bill online. Yes, they want me to pay an additional $3.95 so they have less paperwork and administrative duties.
- I ordered a bottle of wine and the server looked at me like I was crazy. She had to get special permission to sell it in a quantity other than by the glass.
- Depending on the time of day (most times) it can take you 20+minutes to get three miles because of bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- There was a menu item a a local Chinese restaurant – mayo shrimp – which looked just like fried shrimp drizzled with mayonnaise.
- I saw a flyer at work the other day that read “FREE popcorn in the breakroom. Proceeds will benefit the local children’s fund.” What proceeds? If it is free how are you collecting any money?
- The county jail has an outdoor sign with a running counter for the current number of inmates. Today’s inmate population was 427. It never goes below 400.
- There is ALWAYS a line at the Red Box DVD machine. Are they renting porn out of those things?
- People are still running around in all areas of public in their freakin’ pajamas and house slippers, even in sub-zero temperatures.
- Two words: dry county.
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Posted by amy on January 30th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
America is a vast wasteland melting pot where one can find a mixture of food, fun and ideas that varies greatly even by a short distance. It is often easy to take the local flavor for granted assuming something is nearly a rule rather than an exception. Such was the case this week.
My new VP is in the process of relocating to Bentonville from Newark, New Jersey (can you say culture shock?). After a brief description of the “mystery meat” she encountered in an area restaurant I realized she was talking about chicken fried steak, a delicacy or abomination(depending on your culinary stamina) she had apparently never heard of before. Our team graciously clarified that it was not, in fact, chicken but rather cheap cube steak beaten to a pulp, battered, fried (like chicken) and topped with gravy. To serve without mashed potatoes and more gravy was criminal. She assured us she had received the requisite sides.
Her next culinary encounter was the serving of biscuits where ” people poured fluffy, white sauce on top.” Yes, biscuits and gravy (i.e., B&G) – another culinary delight of the heartland although not really too healthy for the heart. The latter she questioned which we replied: “Yes it’s full of cholesterol and fat but it’s Arkansas and no one cares.”
Salute to local delights and whatever trans-fats they may carry. Here are a few of my own regional indulgences. What are yours?
Chicago Style Pizza – Gino’s East
St. Louis Style Pizza – Balducchi’s
Guacamole and Chips – Garcia’s, Matamoros, Mexico
Fried Green Tomatoes – my dad’s
KC BBQ (preferred over any other style) – Jack Stack, Overland Park, KS
Memphis BBQ – Rendezvous, downtown Memphis
Clam Chowder – the Black Pearl, Newport, Rhode Island
Italian (in general) – Zia’s or Mama Campisi’s on The Hill
Parmesan Egg Salad Sandwiches – Pret a Manger (originally in London)
Cappuccino – Cimatori Bed & Breakfast in Florence
Springfield Style Cashew Chicken – looking for my new fave place
Mexican – Mexican Villa but it’s got to be the original on National
Spaghetti Bolognese – Il Gatto e la Volpe (The Cat & the Fox), Florence
Macaroni and Cheese – my mom’s
Shrimp Scampi – Anthony’s Fish Grotto, San Diego
Conch Fritters – Topsider, Bristol,RI
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Posted by amy on January 16th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
My team has moved to a new floor of our office building. The cubes – or “poffices” as Wal-Mart likes to call them – are so small I am probably going to have to go on a diet to ensure I can fit myself, my trash can and a coffee mug into the space all at the same time.
The situation is intensified given that there are four of us in a bull pen-type setting. I envision spending most of my waking hours feeling like veal awaiting slaughter AND being compressed up into the personal space of three other people. Not only will I have a mental tally of my own work and personal tasks but apparently I can be intimately aware of whether my co-workers have used soap, what they are eating for lunch or if they are in need of a termite inspector or an annual exam.
We moved a week ago and still have to use the printer on the floor above us. There IS a printer on our floor but for reasons unexplainable to modern man it is not working and remains backed up like a fiber eschewing tortoise. It’s not that I mind the extra walking it’s just the inconvenience and the frustration of trekking upstairs to find your documents have vanished like cheap beer at a truck and tractor pull contest.
I guess I’ll survive just so long as they don’t take my stapler.
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Posted by amy on January 6th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
We have mail.
Actually, that’s not new. We started tracking down some of our mail a couple of weeks ago when the Bentonville post office finally decided holding our mail was within its realm of responsibilities. I guess since we filled out not one, but two Hold Mail Order forms they realized we were either expecting a shipment of high-grade heroin, wanted to be sure we didn’t all behind on our reading of The Leaven and the Allied Painters Union No. 14 newsletter, or were just serious about getting our mail.
However,like any normal Americans we wanted more. Although we could conveniently pick up our past-due utility bills and Bed Bath & Beyond coupons we really wanted these fine paper treasures delivered right to our door – hot, fresh and with less than eight steps required. So, after another friendly chat with the landlord (including a refusal to establish the required automatic bank draft arrangements) we thought we were on our way. Sure enough, a truck showed up that week and began installing mailboxes for everyone!
Well, everyone but us. No kidding, every house on the street got a mailbox but us – even the unoccupied houses.
I called to chew a** explain that this was “unacceptable” and we got a box the very next day.
Who says the meek will inherit the earth?
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Posted by amy on December 27th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Having minimal holiday spirit this year I went about my activities with less of a Martha Stewart approach and more of something akin to Erma Bombeck.
We didn’t put up a tree this year. Instead we chose to have a Christmas “Chair.” This was a spare seat from our dining room set where we stacked the wrapped gifts in order to keep them from getting mixed up with the other things on the living room floor we didn’t bother to pick up and put away.
It was unfortunate that my pecan pie never “gelled” up and swam around in the pie plate like decaying tadpoles all evening. Upon discovering I only had sugar free pancake syrup I decided to make due. It never really entered my mind there would be a big difference and even if it had it’s not like I was going to go to the store on Dec. 24 to buy the real thing. I don’t even like pecan pie.
By keeping a close eye on your family as they unwrap gifts you can easily pull out the invoice before they can read it. This saves you the trouble of having to open and reseal any gifts you’ve ordered! Just wrap it up straight from the mailbox.
You know, in a pinch masking tape works just as well as scotch tape for wrapping gifts. However, when forced to choose between masking and duct tape, I highly recommend the former.
If your nephews have enough gifts to keep them occupied on Christmas morning you can stand around nonchalantly and drop candy into their still-hanging stockings as they shred the wrapping paper in a crazed frenzy. They’ll never know you forgot to give their mother the candy you committed to picking up for her.
You should be able to pass off leftover Jello/Cool Whip salad from the night before as a brand new dish for a different dinner on Christmas Day if (key word here) you remind your husband not to say “Oh good, I didn’t get to eat any of that last night.”
And yes Virginia, that leftover red wine from Thanksgiving found in the back of my sister’s refrigerator was still good. It only burned my throat on the first drink but if you tip the bottle back far enough that will stop the discomfort.
Hopefully these escapades won’t get me kicked out of the elves union and I can have a clean slate for next year.
Cheers!
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Posted by amy on December 21st, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
As you finish your Christmas shopping, wrapping, baking, ….whatever it is you are still trying to accomplish I’d recommend taking a break and reading Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. It’s a collection of six short Christmas stories with lots of humor and wit. And it also makes a nice coaster for your rum and coke.
If you can’t get around to actually reading the book you can get a sampling from NPR as Sedaris recounts his experiences as an elf at Macy’s.
David Sedaris – Crumpet the Elf
Enjoy.
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Posted by amy on December 19th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
While living in Kansas, a state well known for its flat, non-descriptive terrain, we had several trees in our yard. Now that we live in Arkansas (the Natural State) with a deserved reputation for rolling hills and trees there is not so much as a small sapling around.
How ironic.
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Posted by amy on December 17th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Apparently in Northwest Arkansas it is perfectly acceptable to roam about publicly in your pajamas. Randy and I were in Wal-Mart last Saturday around 10:30 a.m. and counted at least four people in their pajamas – one complete with green fuzzy house slippers. Now you are probably thinking “It’s Wal-Mart. Of course they were in their pajamas.”
I assure you that in the entire 12 years we lived in Kansas City I never saw anyone, not even a small child, in their pajamas in any store, not even Wal-Mart. Maybe I lived a sheltered life in Johnson County.
Gimmee shelter.
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Posted by amy on December 14th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
After packing what seemed to be half of the earth’s contents into boxes we were finally ready. The 48 foot moving truck arrived and remained parked outside our house for the next four hours while the movers determined how best to stack and cram our stuff so precious things labeled “DVD boxes” and “basement shit” could arrive safely the next day in Bentonville. Following some moderate cleaning of the house and crating of the cats Randy and I headed south as well. Surprisingly Lucy did NOT puke in her carrier. Not surprising Shirley DID cry in her carrier most of the way.
The big truck rolled in around 8:30 a.m. the next day and for the next two hours it was an amazing display as the movers efficiently transferred all of our stuff to the rental house in semi-organized piles. We made amazing progress unpacking and were pleased to discover there is no need to rent a storage building. We should be able to just stack stuff in the attic, garage, second bedroom, closets, under the bed and in any other unfilled crevice. Bonus: nothing appears to be broken!
Things We’ve Learned Along the Way:
- Our house IS indistinguishable from all the others on the street, especially at night. Randy thought I was exaggerating the week before when I told him I pulled into the wrong driveway.
- The Frigidaire Ultraquiet III is truly just a marketing tag line for the dishwasher. It is about as quiet as a small freight train at dawn.
- When you move into a brand new house be sure you have a mailbox AND that the U.S. Post Office actually recognizes your new address. Apparently neither has happened for us so the two weeks worth of mail that was being forwarded from Overland Park has either been returned to sender or is somewhere in U.S.P.S. limbo. No one can give us a straight answer on where our mail is, when we will get a mailbox or when our address will be granted official status. And the government is baffled at why the post office is running in the red. Hmmm….let me count the ways. BTW, UPS had no trouble successfully delivering a package to us in Arkansas last week.
- As one of the last border-town stops leading into a dry county the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jane, Mo. has an amazing wine selection. Sorry folks, no Ryan’s Cream.
- While the movers did not benefit from the obnoxious color-coding system I created for our boxes it has been extremely helpful in helping Randy and I sort and unpack. There is justification for my neurosis.
- Movers are the way to go. No well-meaning advice from relatives, no sense of beholden commitments to friends, just people there to lift the heavy stuff and then leave you to sort it however you please. Amen.
So, here we are with one more day to unpack and organize before I go back to work. The cats are beginning to adjust although we had some concerns.
- Shirley – so traumatized she wouldn’t even come out of the carrier. This after crying for nearly four hours because she had been put in one. She was restless and cried most of the night. “I wanna go home!”
- Lucy – holed up in a corner and glared. “You bitch, where have you taken us?”
- Ethel – prowled the house until she found the special treat. “My, my, my is that cat nip I spy?”
- Hippo – as only a silly little boy can do, was ignorant of the upheaval and took great pleasure in the new toys I had bought to ease their transition. “Wow, look! The woman bought a scratching board. And a cat tunnel that crinkles inside.”
Alas, we have no picture of our chaotic adventure since the batteries ran out on the digital camera before we departed Kansas. I know we have more around here somewhere. They are probably packed with the wine glasses or small framed photos, all which were coded orange for long-term, climate controlled storage. They could also be with office supplies which are coded yellow and destined to be unpacked right away. Or could it be they are in with Halloween decorations (pink coded) and are destined to wither away in the attic?
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