1. Never underestimate the power (or danger) of a new razor. I’ve had shaving cuts that would make Attila the Hun shudder.
2. If it doesn’t have chocolate, it’s not worth the calories.
3. White chocolate is not real chocolate. It’s not worth the calories either.
4. If you find something you like that fits, go ahead and buy one in every color.
5. No one is perfect, but if you find a mate that can get along with your family and your pets, keep them.
6. No matter how much weight I gain, I still enjoying shopping for shoes and purses. My foot stays the same size and there’s no shame in having a big purse.
7. I hate team builders at work. There’s no amount of hanging out that is going to make me start to like someone I already abhor. We’ll get along just fine so long as everyone does their job. It really is that simple.
8. The best light for plucking one’s eyebrows can inevitably found while sitting in the car at a stoplight. Coincidentally, one will often find themselves sans tweezers at this same moment.
9. Great friends are priceless.
10. A pedicure is a necessity, not an option, when wearing open toe sandals.
11. Quality liquor makes a world of difference in your mixed drinks. Don’t be afraid to reach for the top shelf.
12. Unless maybe you see the baby’s head crowning, never ask a woman if she is pregnant.
13. Always feed stray animals, especially cats. Even if you are not sure they are strays. I’ve been known to hand out a half pound of lunchmeat to a cat in a grocery store parking lot. And I once fed a cat off my back porch for two years even though it would never let me pet him. He was also the main reason I had someone housesit when we went to Italy.

Sure I wave the American flag. Do you know a better flag to wave? Sure, I love my country with all her faults. I’m not ashamed of that, never have and never will be. — John Wayne, born Marion Morrison in Winterset, Iowa.

Could be.

I might be going out on a limb, but I think they should also consider the impact of fast food “secret menus” -  items of sometimes urban legend levels that can apparently be obtained if you’re an in-the-know connoisseur at some America’s finest restaurants. 

Some of the culprits:

· Arby’s Wet Fries – The name might imply something dirty and exciting (giggity-giggity-goo) but in reality it’s just hot fries smothered in cheese sauce.

· Burger King’s Suicide Burger – This aptly named selection is a large burger including four meat patties, four slices of cheese, bacon and special sauce. Because one just wouldn’t be enough.

· In-N-Out’s Animal Style Fries – Cheese, spread, grilled onions, and pickles piled high on top of fries. Although I guess this and anything else on its “secret” menu is not really a secret given that the “secret” menu is posted on the company’s website. http://www.in-n-out.com/secretmenu.asp

· In-N-Out’s Fries Light – Fries cooked less, they will be more tender and oily. Yum, I wonder if they have the same option for their burgers.

· KFC’s Poutine – This is a Canadian favorite that includes French fries, fried cheese curds, and gravy layered together. If you think that’s thunder from the north, you’re wrong. It’s the arteries of our hockey-loving neighbors slamming shut.

· McDonald’s McGangBang – This is a double cheeseburger with a chicken patty in between the two beef patties. Handy if you can’t decide between chicken or beef.

· McDonald’s Land, Sea, and Air Burger – The Land, Sea and Air burger has a beef patty, chicken patty, and fillet-o-fish patty all piled onto a bun. Even better if you’re indecisive in nature.

· McDonald’s Monster Mac – A big Mac composed of eight (yes, you read that correctly) meat patties. The Value Meal comes with a defibrillator and organ donor card. 

· Potbelly’s Fireball – A meatball sandwich with chili on top. It’s like several meals in one because you’ll taste it all day.

· Wendy’s Barnyard – A spicy chicken sandwich with ham, bacon and beef – each layer separated by cheese. Moooo.

Revolting?

Not so fast.

Several months ago I had the pleasure of hopping back across the pond with The Man and some friends. This time we ventured to Edinburgh before moving along to London. I’ll be the first to admit that, save for some decent fish and chips and chocolate, the Brits are not celebrated for their culinary delights. However, I tend to operate on a “When in Rome…” philosophy so we were game for giving the Scots their fair shake in the kitchen. Besides, what’s a little food poisoning, gag reflex, toxic permeation and gastronomical distress among four friends sharing the same small living quarters and a single bathroom for the next 10 days.

The tasting results:

· Haggis – not bad, really pretty good. Served with neeps and tatties (turnips and mashed potatoes). Goes down great with a pint.

· Bangers and mash – come on, it’s sausage and potatoes. Good, filling home cooking. Goes down great with a pint.

· Arbroath smokie (wood smoked haddock) – good, really good. Not the fishy flavor I feared. Goes down great with a pint.

Anyway, back to the haggis. You’re not getting any. Your stateside Burns Night festivities – designed to celebrate the Jan. 25 birthday of the Scottish poet, Robert Burns – will still have to be sans “great chieftain o’ the puddin’ – race.”

Not only is the savory treat-in-a-stomach variety banned in the U.S., so is the canned version. The key is that both could potentially contain mad cow disease-ridden meat but the folks over at the USDA also decided back in 1971 that any food made with lung was unfit for human consumption.

Apparently it is OK to bring in toys, baby formula and pet food with lethal doses of lead, chemicals and bacteria but NO edible lungs.  

While there is supposedly a review of the ban underway, it’s still illegal to bring haggis into the country. Not to mention a $1,000 fine and the possibility of having your name flagged on a special-attention U.S. Customs list. Tell me this doesn’t bring back memories of the elementary school threat: “we have a list of names, if you turn yourself in we’ll go easy on you.”

So, if you get the chance, dry-clean your kilt and brave a taste of this carnivore porridge. Let me know if you have any exotic culinary recommendations. I understand the fried pig intestines aren’t getting rave reviews.

This means a vicious run on groceries, generators and ice melt. Seriously, I challenge you to find a generator or loaf of bread in NW Arkansas.

It also means an abundance of reckless stupidity on the highway. For those morons idiots people who have no idea how to drive in any sort of rain, snow, ice or high winds, now would be a great time to cover off on the basics.

Read carefully:

Yes, you should probably lighten up on the gas pedal a little. Try to think of the speed limit as more of a suggestion rather than one of the Ten Commandments.

That said, it doesn’t mean you need to go 30 mph -at least not in the left-hand lane of the Interstate. Remember, that is theoretically supposed to be the “fast” lane. If you want to go 30 or even 25, that’s fine. Just move on over to the right (check your mirrors first) and those of us that know what we are doing will go on by.

Use caution with bridges and overpasses. This does NOT mean slamming your breaks on once your tires touch the bridge. At that point it is too late. That is where you will most likely find the ice. Everything will probably end badly for you. Things probably won’t go so great for me either seeing as we’re forced to share the same roadways.

Maybe you should stay home. Did you really buy all that bottled water, bread, milk, eggs, bananas, batteries, flashlights, firewood and candles so you could stand alongside the road waiting for a tow truck to pull your four-wheel drive out of the frosty median?

Stay safe. Stay warm. Stay home.

Bread aisle at Springdale, Ark., Walmart

Apparently there must not have been a Halloween in which she slept, worked, showered or took care of any mundane life activities either. Instead she had to spend her time heating wood, sugar and bone char in the absence of oxygen to create charcoal. The charcoal was then formed into pencils so she could sketch intricate templates used for hand-carving frightful and fun expressions into gourds, pumpkins, squash and other fall vegetables that just happened to be lying around.

The leftover pumpkins were pureed and transformed into cakes, pies, breads and puddings all served on elegant bone china Martha made herself. She was also able to sew Halloween costumes from fabric she wove herself out of cat hair from the neighbor’s living room.

I confess. The cat hair came from my house. There is, of course, no cat hair in Martha’s home. She’s not actually my neighbor but I mailed her the contents of my vacuum canister and she hand-sifted the particles, selecting only those with the finest of textures. The remaining grime was mixed with soot and saturated with rain water to serve as mulch for the flower beds.

Not wanting to be outdone, I tried my hand at some festive decorations and crafts this year. It’s amazing how complicated these projects can be in the magazines. Here are my thoughts for simplifying:

Swiss-Cheese Pumpkin

Living: Using a marker, draw a circle for each hole. Cut out holes by hand with a keyhole saw; shave edges smooth with a scraper if desired. Fill holes with rubber mice.

Living (for real people): Screw marking the circles. Freehand it and put them wherever you want. Have you ever counted or measured the holes in swiss cheese? Nope! And no one is going to do that with your pumpkin either.

Carve them out by hand? Surely you jest. Why would I want to do that when there is a perfectly good power drill in the garage and the right size bit in one of the 27 boxes stacked here and there. Just a minor detail that I don’t have any real experience with power tools and nearly took my finger off trying to figure out how to change the bits.

Mouse Silhouettes

Living: Download template from my Living website. Enlarge 350 to 400 percent on a photocopier. Trace the shapes onto black construction paper and cut out. Mount as desired with masking tape.

Living (for real people): Drive to the nearest craft store – you can probably work in a stop for frozen custard this way – and buy the pre-cut, ready-to-go mouse silhouettes sold by Martha Stewart Crafts. Open packages and apply using the peel-and-stick adhesives guaranteed (sort of) to not peel the paint off your wall when you take these down before your Super Bowl party.

Glittered Pumpkins

Living: Spread a layer of glue over the surface of a small pumpkin. Hold pumpkin over a paper plate and sprinkle powder glitter over it, covering completely. Let dry for one hour, shake off excess.

Living (for real people): Spray pumpkin (any size/shape, use whatever you can find) with glitter spray paint. Shake the shit out of the can and spray away.

There you have it folks – seasonal crafts that leave you enough time to kick back with a pumpkin martini. My efforts are showcased in my Halloween 2009 photos.

This required yet another grueling round of packing/loading/unpacking boxes and boxes of “stuff.” The packing part was a little easier given we procrastinated and never unpacked 2/3 of our stuff (see previous post). Given that my work days run anywhere from ten to sixteen hours a day, I’m very limited in what enjoyment I get out of my new surroundings but there are a few I thought I’d share:

1. Bill & Tony’s Liquor Store

2. Trees and hills – this is what the Ozarks is supposed to look like.

3. Mid-Way Liquor Store

4. Jason’s Deli just down the street – I rarely cook anymore

5. Liquor Mart & Wine Shoppe

6. Andy’s Frozen Custard – for a second it makes me feel like I’m in Springfield again although I have yet to give into my cravings for a jumbo chocolate cone.

7. Liquor World

8. Our house – it doesn’t look like all the others on the street and we even have room to set up the pool table.

9. Dickson Street Liquors

10. My neighbor – can you believe I finally found someone else here who likes cats?

I make lists of things I need to do, think about how I’m going to do these things, worry about not getting all/some/none of these things done but, nevertheless, I will still put most things off until the last minute. Maybe I just work better under pressure. Maybe I secretly like having something to worry about. Maybe I’m just a lazy sloth.

Whatever the reason, I’ve learned it sometimes often pays to procrastinate.

I could list out example after example of when this course of action (or lack thereof) has played out in my favor but I’ll do that later. I’d rather tell you about my most recent payoff.

Four or five years ago I went to London for vacation. Upon returning I discovered 70 pounds worth of currency in my luggage. Mind you, London wasn’t cheap so I really wanted all the American dollars I could place my hands on even if it only demonstrated we’ve achieved nothing economically on the British despite gaining our independence. The pound was kicking the dollar’s ass. And I don’t mean in an even, fair street fight kind of way. It was more like the dollar was the fat kid in P.E. class competing against an Olympic athlete. Despite my desire for dollars I simply placed the pounds in a dresser drawer along with the best of intentions to get to the bank, someday.

Fast forward to 2009. The Man and I decided to jump across the pond again with some friends. Decisions, decisions…..what do I wear? what suitcase do I bring? how much money do I need? do we need a new digital camera? should I get pounds in advance or count on the ATM once I arrive?

Wait a minute……I already have 70 pounds ready to spend. Plenty to cover expenses until I can leisurely locate an ATM. Score one for procrastination.

I did, however, manage to get vacation pictures posted within a few weeks of returning. You can see them at http://www.amyland.org/flickr/album/72157619229551488/uk-2009.html.

Nothing more exciting than looking at someone else’s vacation photos.

Cheerio!

After a visit to the beach, it’s hard to believe that we live in a material world.  ~Pam Shaw

Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time.
~Motto of the Baltimore Grotto, a caving society

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
~George Carlin

To prove my point I’ll describe one (just one, mind you) of the idiocy hurdles I had to jump this past week: 

I step in to help my co-worker on a project that involves producing an in-house video. No problem with that. After a whirlwind of scheduling studio time, securing a freelance editor, script edits and working with nearly unacceptable raw footage we ended up with a pretty decent video in just a few days. The last step was to ship the master to a dubbing studio where 4,500+ copies would be made and added to a composite of other materials. Thus, forming a launch kit for all our field locations. 

The next logical question was “How do we handle Fed Ex here?” Inquiring minds want to know. At least, inquiring minds with a need to have a package delivered by the next morning.

I was told to fill out an in-house shipping form and tape it to the Fed Ex envelope – but not too much or it will rip when the shipping center takes it off but not too little or it will fall off before it reaches the shipping center. From there the shipping team will use information from in-house form to fill out the Fed Ex form, paste it to the envelope and drop it in the mail.

Wait a minute?

Did you say I fill out a form and then someone else recopies that information onto another form? In these trying economic times I’m all about someone keeping their job but really, wouldn’t it just be better if I filled out the Fed Ex form myself and we did away with the middleman process?

Yes, that is how it is done. Even more disturbing is that the in-house form has no carbon copy, number or tracking information of any kind. It’s simply a black-and-white, Xeroxed form. You have no way of actually knowing if your package makes it to the company shipping department nor do you know, for sure, if it’s made it into the Fed Ex stream. Until, of course, you get a call at 10:30 a.m. from someone asking WTH is the package you promised to send. At that point you might as well go mix a martini (and here’s where we start with the substance abuse).

You know what else?

You won’t be able to answer them unless you hiked over to another building and personally delivered your package to the shipping department and asked them to give you the Fed Ex tracking number. Remember, someone else fills out the Fed Ex form for you and this in-house form is about as helpful as mowing your lawn with hair clippers.

Now this is exactly what I did. Not because I’m always, always extra diligent (lord, I hope my boss does not read this) but because I had to. I put the envelope in the pick-up box right before my 3 p.m. meeting, as last pick up was at 4 p.m. When I walked back by it was 4:15, my envelope was still in the bottom of the bin (yes, I looked) and the sign was posted stating last pick up of the day had been made. WTF?

Sigh….I grab the envelope, beg someone to show me where the shipping room is and delivered it personally. It’s almost 4:30 and the pick up by the actual Fed Ex people is at 5 p.m.

I get there, hand over the envelope, tell them when it needs to arrive and ask if they can give me the tracking number. I’m thinking I’m in the home stretch now.

Think again.

Clerk: Where does this need to go?

Inside voice: It’s written on the freakin’ package? Can’t you read?

Outside voice: Utah, Salt Lake City.

Clerk: What is it?

Inside voice: WTF do you care?

Outside voice: Uh, a DVD.

Clerk: Why does this have to go so early? Do you know it’s really expensive to ship overnight?

Inside voice: No shit Sherlock. I haven’t spent 12+ years in Corporate American without learning the ways of Fed Ex.

Outside voice: Yes, I realize that but we’re in a time crunch and this has to get there by tomorrow morning or the studio won’t be able to make the 4,500+ copies needed for our campaign.

Clerk: Why didn’t you have the dubs made here?

Inside voice: MYOB bitch! Gee, this might have escaped your attention but in the latest company “reorganization” the AV department lost more than half its staff. This project didn’t make their priority list.

Outside voice: Gee, this might have escaped your attention but in the latest company “reorganization” the AV department lost more than half its staff. This project didn’t make their priority list.

Clerk: You know, this is really expensive to ship overnight.

Inside voice: Yeah, I think we covered that.

Outside voice: Look, this isn’t really my project. I’m just trying to help get it completed. I didn’t set any of this up or make these decisions. I’m just trying to make sure the DVD gets their on time.

Clerk: Ok, but it’s going to be expensive.

Inside voice: Hmmm…I’ll bet one of the three other people in this room would narc on me if I kill her. That’s too many bodies to hide.

Outside voice: Thanks, I appreciate your help.

Shots, anyone?