Feline Friday
"A cat is a lion in a jungle of small bushes." -- Indian Proverb
And in honor of the Super Bowl…
If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn’t the same as the one I was wearing, I’d run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother. – Bo Jackson
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. – Dave Barry
I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important -like a league game or something. – Dick Butkus
The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer. – John Madden
You know, it’s like your American football, but without all the armor. – Some drunk Irish rugby fan I met in Edinburgh, May 2009.
4th of July
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. — Erma Bombeck
Sure I wave the American flag. Do you know a better flag to wave? Sure, I love my country with all her faults. I’m not ashamed of that, never have and never will be. — John Wayne, born Marion Morrison in Winterset, Iowa.
Earth Day
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~Bill Vaughn, quoted in Jon Winokur, The Portable Curmudgeon, 1987
After a visit to the beach, it’s hard to believe that we live in a material world. ~Pam Shaw
Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time.
~Motto of the Baltimore Grotto, a caving society
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
~George Carlin
Christmas
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. — W.C. Fields
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. — Johnny Carson
Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! — George Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. — Dave Barry
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. — P.J.O’Rourke
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. — Dennis Miller
Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. — Clark Griwsold, Christmas Vacation
It makes one’s mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. — David Sedaris, Santaland Diaries
At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year. — Thomas Tusser.
Paula Dean
Nothing ever tastes bad with a little extra cheese on top, it just never hurt a thing in its life.
Paula Dean
I think no matter what the occasion may be, you can never go wrong by showing up at the dinner table with a hot plate of fried chicken.
