Posted by amy on February 28th, 2011 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Actually, today is another day of my temporary life in the San Francisco Bay area. No, I haven’t quit my day job and started a full-time effort of panhandling (tempting) but rather I’m working at my company’s Global eCommerce office in Brisbane until early April.
On my way out, flights got squirrely because of bad weather in Chicago – I’ve learned so many lessons in Chicago you’d think I know better than to have a connection at O’Hare. But when you’re flying out of BFE (a.k.a., northwest Arkansas) you take what you can get, even if it means flying to Atlanta, then on to Memphis so you can eventually find yourself in San Francisco.
It’s taken some effort but I’m now squared away in a small apartment in Burlingame. My new digs are simply furnished but with big-city gems like a dishwasher, designated (covered) parking, weekly maid service and an in-apartment washer and dryer. Here are a few highlights of the week:
- The office has windows. After the airless, dungeon-like blue/gray void that is the corporate office, this is like comparing central AC to a box fan. I had a headache my first day in the office. I’m pretty sure it was a sensitivity reaction to the natural light.
- Thirty cent sodas. While everything else is (as expected) pricier here than in the Midwest the office vending machines are loaded with cheap soda – and a great selection of diet. Diet Sierra Mist for all my friends!
- Traffic. The drivers here appear to have more sanity than most I see on I-540. And while I’m certain there is some gridlock, it doesn’t take me 20 minutes to get through three stoplights on my commute.
Lest you think it’s all Rice-A-Roni and Ghirardelli chocolates, let me assure you it’s not.
The message that I would be here until April was misunderstood as I would not arrive until April. Therefore, when I arrived, there was no room at the inn – nor was there any connectivity. After an extended scuttlebutt that nearly had me sitting in the medical emergency cube using a wheelchair (literally) as my desk chair, I was given a space in a semi-deserted part of the office. It’s quiet. So quiet that I occasionally have to get up and walk around to keep the lights from going off since they are motion sensitive.
Despite the fact that I’m spitting distance from Silicon Valley no one seems capable of programming my badge for this campus. After submitting five requests, I’ve given up. Now I just stand outside the door like a stray cat until someone lets me in.
Also, my rental car had a flat tire this weekend. Fortunately, I noticed it in time to limp back home where I did what any, independent, self-respecting woman would do. I picked up the phone and called roadside assistance.
Yes, laugh, scoff, snicker if you will but I wouldn’t change a tire in my own driveway (unless I could get my husband to do it for me) so why would I try to be a hero while I’m somewhere else? No sense in being an over-achiever.
The kicker was Avis acted like I’d wrecked the thing when I went to switch out for a new car. They should have been glad I was so nice about the fact that their tire was a piece of s*$%, their computers were down and the person waiting on me didn’t know how to process paperwork for a swap. On the flip side, the Versa they gave me is smaller than the boat tank Taurus I had.
Small cars in San Francisco = good. I wish I could drive my Mini here.
San Francisco - the city where space is at a premium
4 Comments »
Posted by amy on February 9th, 2011 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
I woke up this morning before the sun came up to catch an early flight to San Francisco. Think again.
I also woke up to a winter storm warning, more than a foot of snow, flakes still falling, a canceled flight and a closed airport. As of noon, light snow is still coming down with as much as two feet accumulating in some areas.
I’ve ventured no further than my doorway for some photos.
Lunch on the patio is not an option
Our grill and the very top of our chiminea
Oh yes! Snowing in the front yard as well
No sign of the mailman today
No Comments »
Posted by amy on February 4th, 2011 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Historic. Life-threatening. Epic proportions. Monster storm.
These are just some of the required adjectives for any news story running this week. Granted, I normally scoff at the local weather hysteria here in Northwest Arkansas (and many other places) but there might actually be something to this round of predictions. The early morning brought us a dump of ice and sleet that apparently changed to heavy falling snow. Temperatures have been in the single digits or (gasp!) below zero keeping us snowed in.
I know, I know, many of you deal with these conditions quite often but this is pretty big stuff here in the south. While the local palate can tolerate gargantuan portions of grits, grease and gravy, we don’t seem to be especially hardy stock when it comes to winter weather.
- Slight dusting of snow – schools closed.
- Temps dropping into the teens – there’s a rush on bread, milk, bananas and sometimes eggs. We gotta eat, man.
- Rumors of ice – generators gone off the shelves, disappeared like Jimmy Hoffa.
- Patches of ice – jackpot for the tow truck companies! I’ve seen many a Humvee and four-wheel drive and quarter ton trucks in the ditch and median – sometimes turned over on their side.
All kidding aside, I think we’ll be OK. The mailman made it by to pick up and drop off my Netflix movies. Granted, he had to beat snow off the mailbox with some kind of stick or wad of magazines to get it open. Now, if we can just get a fire built without singing any eyebrows……
Snowy view outside my home in Fayetteville, Ark.:
1 Comment »
Posted by amy on July 26th, 2010 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
As I pass into another thirty-something year of my life, it feels like the time to share a baker’s dozen of life lessons I’ve learned so far. May they serve some of you well.
- Never underestimate the power (or danger) of a new razor. I’ve had shaving cuts that would make Attila the Hun shudder.
- If it doesn’t have chocolate, it’s not worth the calories.
- White chocolate is not real chocolate. It’s not worth the calories either.
- If you find something you like that fits, go ahead and buy one in every color.
- No one is perfect, but if you find a mate that can get along with your family and your pets, keep them.
- No matter how much weight I gain, I still enjoying shopping for shoes and purses. My foot stays the same size and there’s no shame in having a big purse.
- I hate team builders at work. There’s no amount of hanging out that is going to make me start to like someone I already abhor. We’ll get along just fine so long as everyone does their job. It really is that simple.
- The best light for plucking one’s eyebrows can inevitably found while sitting in the car at a stoplight. Coincidentally, one will often find themselves sans tweezers at this same moment.
- Great friends are priceless.
- A pedicure is a necessity, not an option, when wearing open toe sandals.
- Quality liquor makes a world of difference in your mixed drinks. Don’t be afraid to reach for the top shelf.
- Unless maybe you see the baby’s head crowning, never ask a woman if she is pregnant.
- Always feed stray animals, especially cats. Even if you are not sure they are strays. I’ve been known to hand out a half pound of lunchmeat to a cat in a grocery store parking lot. And I once fed a cat off my back porch for two years even though it would never let me pet him. He was also the main reason I had someone housesit when we went to Italy.
2 Comments »
Posted by amy on May 16th, 2010 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
The American Heart Association says it believes air pollution can cause heart attacks.
Could be.
I might be going out on a limb, but I think they should also consider the impact of fast food “secret menus” - items of sometimes urban legend levels that can apparently be obtained if you’re an in-the-know connoisseur at some America’s finest restaurants.
Some of the culprits:
· Arby’s Wet Fries – The name might imply something dirty and exciting (giggity-giggity-goo) but in reality it’s just hot fries smothered in cheese sauce.
· Burger King’s Suicide Burger – This aptly named selection is a large burger including four meat patties, four slices of cheese, bacon and special sauce. Because one just wouldn’t be enough.
· In-N-Out’s Animal Style Fries – Cheese, spread, grilled onions, and pickles piled high on top of fries. Although I guess this and anything else on its “secret” menu is not really a secret given that the “secret” menu is posted on the company’s website. http://www.in-n-out.com/secretmenu.asp
· In-N-Out’s Fries Light – Fries cooked less, they will be more tender and oily. Yum, I wonder if they have the same option for their burgers.
· KFC’s Poutine – This is a Canadian favorite that includes French fries, fried cheese curds, and gravy layered together. If you think that’s thunder from the north, you’re wrong. It’s the arteries of our hockey-loving neighbors slamming shut.
· McDonald’s McGangBang – This is a double cheeseburger with a chicken patty in between the two beef patties. Handy if you can’t decide between chicken or beef.
· McDonald’s Land, Sea, and Air Burger – The Land, Sea and Air burger has a beef patty, chicken patty, and fillet-o-fish patty all piled onto a bun. Even better if you’re indecisive in nature.
· McDonald’s Monster Mac – A big Mac composed of eight (yes, you read that correctly) meat patties. The Value Meal comes with a defibrillator and organ donor card.
· Potbelly’s Fireball – A meatball sandwich with chili on top. It’s like several meals in one because you’ll taste it all day.
· Wendy’s Barnyard – A spicy chicken sandwich with ham, bacon and beef – each layer separated by cheese. Moooo.
1 Comment »
Posted by amy on February 2nd, 2010 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Word at the pub was the USDA was ready to lighten up its ban on haggis – that unique dish of boiled and minced sheep windpipe, heart, liver, lungs and fat – mixed with spices and oatmeal, then cooked in a sheep stomach.
Revolting?
Not so fast.
Several months ago I had the pleasure of hopping back across the pond with The Man and some friends. This time we ventured to Edinburgh before moving along to London. I’ll be the first to admit that, save for some decent fish and chips and chocolate, the Brits are not celebrated for their culinary delights. However, I tend to operate on a “When in Rome…” philosophy so we were game for giving the Scots their fair shake in the kitchen. Besides, what’s a little food poisoning, gag reflex, toxic permeation and gastronomical distress among four friends sharing the same small living quarters and a single bathroom for the next 10 days.
The tasting results:
· Haggis – not bad, really pretty good. Served with neeps and tatties (turnips and mashed potatoes). Goes down great with a pint.
· Bangers and mash – come on, it’s sausage and potatoes. Good, filling home cooking. Goes down great with a pint.
· Arbroath smokie (wood smoked haddock) – good, really good. Not the fishy flavor I feared. Goes down great with a pint.
Anyway, back to the haggis. You’re not getting any. Your stateside Burns Night festivities – designed to celebrate the Jan. 25 birthday of the Scottish poet, Robert Burns – will still have to be sans “great chieftain o’ the puddin’ – race.”
Not only is the savory treat-in-a-stomach variety banned in the U.S., so is the canned version. The key is that both could potentially contain mad cow disease-ridden meat but the folks over at the USDA also decided back in 1971 that any food made with lung was unfit for human consumption.
Apparently it is OK to bring in toys, baby formula and pet food with lethal doses of lead, chemicals and bacteria but NO edible lungs.
While there is supposedly a review of the ban underway, it’s still illegal to bring haggis into the country. Not to mention a $1,000 fine and the possibility of having your name flagged on a special-attention U.S. Customs list. Tell me this doesn’t bring back memories of the elementary school threat: “we have a list of names, if you turn yourself in we’ll go easy on you.”
So, if you get the chance, dry-clean your kilt and brave a taste of this carnivore porridge. Let me know if you have any exotic culinary recommendations. I understand the fried pig intestines aren’t getting rave reviews.
1 Comment »
Posted by amy on January 29th, 2010 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
A winter storm is upon us once again.
This means a vicious run on groceries, generators and ice melt. Seriously, I challenge you to find a generator or loaf of bread in NW Arkansas.
It also means an abundance of reckless stupidity on the highway. For those morons idiots people who have no idea how to drive in any sort of rain, snow, ice or high winds, now would be a great time to cover off on the basics.
Read carefully:
Yes, you should probably lighten up on the gas pedal a little. Try to think of the speed limit as more of a suggestion rather than one of the Ten Commandments.
That said, it doesn’t mean you need to go 30 mph -at least not in the left-hand lane of the Interstate. Remember, that is theoretically supposed to be the “fast” lane. If you want to go 30 or even 25, that’s fine. Just move on over to the right (check your mirrors first) and those of us that know what we are doing will go on by.
Use caution with bridges and overpasses. This does NOT mean slamming your breaks on once your tires touch the bridge. At that point it is too late. That is where you will most likely find the ice. Everything will probably end badly for you. Things probably won’t go so great for me either seeing as we’re forced to share the same roadways.
Maybe you should stay home. Did you really buy all that bottled water, bread, milk, eggs, bananas, batteries, flashlights, firewood and candles so you could stand alongside the road waiting for a tow truck to pull your four-wheel drive out of the frosty median?
Stay safe. Stay warm. Stay home.
Bread aisle at Springdale, Ark., Walmart
No Comments »
Posted by amy on October 23rd, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
In a past issue of Living Martha Stewart wrote “I cannot recall a single Halloween in my entire life when I did not dress up or “make up” to celebrate this very unusual and peculiar holiday.”
Apparently there must not have been a Halloween in which she slept, worked, showered or took care of any mundane life activities either. Instead she had to spend her time heating wood, sugar and bone char in the absence of oxygen to create charcoal. The charcoal was then formed into pencils so she could sketch intricate templates used for hand-carving frightful and fun expressions into gourds, pumpkins, squash and other fall vegetables that just happened to be lying around.
The leftover pumpkins were pureed and transformed into cakes, pies, breads and puddings all served on elegant bone china Martha made herself. She was also able to sew Halloween costumes from fabric she wove herself out of cat hair from the neighbor’s living room.
I confess. The cat hair came from my house. There is, of course, no cat hair in Martha’s home. She’s not actually my neighbor but I mailed her the contents of my vacuum canister and she hand-sifted the particles, selecting only those with the finest of textures. The remaining grime was mixed with soot and saturated with rain water to serve as mulch for the flower beds.
Not wanting to be outdone, I tried my hand at some festive decorations and crafts this year. It’s amazing how complicated these projects can be in the magazines. Here are my thoughts for simplifying:
Swiss-Cheese Pumpkin
Living: Using a marker, draw a circle for each hole. Cut out holes by hand with a keyhole saw; shave edges smooth with a scraper if desired. Fill holes with rubber mice.
Living (for real people): Screw marking the circles. Freehand it and put them wherever you want. Have you ever counted or measured the holes in swiss cheese? Nope! And no one is going to do that with your pumpkin either.
Carve them out by hand? Surely you jest. Why would I want to do that when there is a perfectly good power drill in the garage and the right size bit in one of the 27 boxes stacked here and there. Just a minor detail that I don’t have any real experience with power tools and nearly took my finger off trying to figure out how to change the bits.
Mouse Silhouettes
Living: Download template from my Living website. Enlarge 350 to 400 percent on a photocopier. Trace the shapes onto black construction paper and cut out. Mount as desired with masking tape.
Living (for real people): Drive to the nearest craft store – you can probably work in a stop for frozen custard this way – and buy the pre-cut, ready-to-go mouse silhouettes sold by Martha Stewart Crafts. Open packages and apply using the peel-and-stick adhesives guaranteed (sort of) to not peel the paint off your wall when you take these down before your Super Bowl party.
Glittered Pumpkins
Living: Spread a layer of glue over the surface of a small pumpkin. Hold pumpkin over a paper plate and sprinkle powder glitter over it, covering completely. Let dry for one hour, shake off excess.
Living (for real people): Spray pumpkin (any size/shape, use whatever you can find) with glitter spray paint. Shake the shit out of the can and spray away.
There you have it folks – seasonal crafts that leave you enough time to kick back with a pumpkin martini. My efforts are showcased in my Halloween 2009 photos.
4 Comments »
Posted by amy on September 5th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Having decided we could no longer stand Bentonville, the Man and I relocated to Fayetteville. (no offense, Benton County residents. Try to practice a little tolerance here – you know, different strokes for different folks. We don’t ALL have to like the same things). For those of you who aren’t familiar with Northwest Arkansas, Fayetteville is about 18 miles south of the compound Bentonville.
This required yet another grueling round of packing/loading/unpacking boxes and boxes of “stuff.” The packing part was a little easier given we procrastinated and never unpacked 2/3 of our stuff (see previous post). Given that my work days run anywhere from ten to sixteen hours a day, I’m very limited in what enjoyment I get out of my new surroundings but there are a few I thought I’d share:
1. Bill & Tony’s Liquor Store
2. Trees and hills – this is what the Ozarks is supposed to look like.
3. Mid-Way Liquor Store
4. Jason’s Deli just down the street – I rarely cook anymore
5. Liquor Mart & Wine Shoppe
6. Andy’s Frozen Custard – for a second it makes me feel like I’m in Springfield again although I have yet to give into my cravings for a jumbo chocolate cone.
7. Liquor World
8. Our house – it doesn’t look like all the others on the street and we even have room to set up the pool table.
9. Dickson Street Liquors
10. My neighbor – can you believe I finally found someone else here who likes cats?
2 Comments »
Posted by amy on July 5th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
I admit, I’m a procrastinator.
I make lists of things I need to do, think about how I’m going to do these things, worry about not getting all/some/none of these things done but, nevertheless, I will still put most things off until the last minute. Maybe I just work better under pressure. Maybe I secretly like having something to worry about. Maybe I’m just a lazy sloth.
Whatever the reason, I’ve learned it sometimes often pays to procrastinate.
I could list out example after example of when this course of action (or lack thereof) has played out in my favor but I’ll do that later. I’d rather tell you about my most recent payoff.
Four or five years ago I went to London for vacation. Upon returning I discovered 70 pounds worth of currency in my luggage. Mind you, London wasn’t cheap so I really wanted all the American dollars I could place my hands on even if it only demonstrated we’ve achieved nothing economically on the British despite gaining our independence. The pound was kicking the dollar’s ass. And I don’t mean in an even, fair street fight kind of way. It was more like the dollar was the fat kid in P.E. class competing against an Olympic athlete. Despite my desire for dollars I simply placed the pounds in a dresser drawer along with the best of intentions to get to the bank, someday.
Fast forward to 2009. The Man and I decided to jump across the pond again with some friends. Decisions, decisions…..what do I wear? what suitcase do I bring? how much money do I need? do we need a new digital camera? should I get pounds in advance or count on the ATM once I arrive?
Wait a minute……I already have 70 pounds ready to spend. Plenty to cover expenses until I can leisurely locate an ATM. Score one for procrastination.
I did, however, manage to get vacation pictures posted within a few weeks of returning. You can see them at http://www.amyland.org/flickr/album/72157619229551488/uk-2009.html.
Nothing more exciting than looking at someone else’s vacation photos.
Cheerio!
2 Comments »
