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Treats and Tricks

Posted by amy on October 23rd, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree

In a past issue of Living Martha Stewart wrote “I cannot recall a single Halloween in my entire life when I did not dress up or “make up” to celebrate this very unusual and peculiar holiday.”

Apparently there must not have been a Halloween in which she slept, worked, showered or took care of any mundane life activities either. Instead she had to spend her time heating wood, sugar and bone char in the absence of oxygen to create charcoal. The charcoal was then formed into pencils so she could sketch intricate templates used for hand-carving frightful and fun expressions into gourds, pumpkins, squash and other fall vegetables that just happened to be lying around.

The leftover pumpkins were pureed and transformed into cakes, pies, breads and puddings all served on elegant bone china Martha made herself. She was also able to sew Halloween costumes from fabric she wove herself out of cat hair from the neighbor’s living room.

I confess. The cat hair came from my house. There is, of course, no cat hair in Martha’s home. She’s not actually my neighbor but I mailed her the contents of my vacuum canister and she hand-sifted the particles, selecting only those with the finest of textures. The remaining grime was mixed with soot and saturated with rain water to serve as mulch for the flower beds.

Not wanting to be outdone, I tried my hand at some festive decorations and crafts this year. It’s amazing how complicated these projects can be in the magazines. Here are my thoughts for simplifying:

Swiss-Cheese Pumpkin

Living: Using a marker, draw a circle for each hole. Cut out holes by hand with a keyhole saw; shave edges smooth with a scraper if desired. Fill holes with rubber mice.

Living (for real people): Screw marking the circles. Freehand it and put them wherever you want. Have you ever counted or measured the holes in swiss cheese? Nope! And no one is going to do that with your pumpkin either.

Carve them out by hand? Surely you jest. Why would I want to do that when there is a perfectly good power drill in the garage and the right size bit in one of the 27 boxes stacked here and there. Just a minor detail that I don’t have any real experience with power tools and nearly took my finger off trying to figure out how to change the bits.

Mouse Silhouettes

Living: Download template from my Living website. Enlarge 350 to 400 percent on a photocopier. Trace the shapes onto black construction paper and cut out. Mount as desired with masking tape.

Living (for real people): Drive to the nearest craft store – you can probably work in a stop for frozen custard this way – and buy the pre-cut, ready-to-go mouse silhouettes sold by Martha Stewart Crafts. Open packages and apply using the peel-and-stick adhesives guaranteed (sort of) to not peel the paint off your wall when you take these down before your Super Bowl party.

Glittered Pumpkins

Living: Spread a layer of glue over the surface of a small pumpkin. Hold pumpkin over a paper plate and sprinkle powder glitter over it, covering completely. Let dry for one hour, shake off excess.

Living (for real people): Spray pumpkin (any size/shape, use whatever you can find) with glitter spray paint. Shake the shit out of the can and spray away.

There you have it folks – seasonal crafts that leave you enough time to kick back with a pumpkin martini. My efforts are showcased in my Halloween 2009 photos.

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