amyland.org

Bartender, I Need a Drink

Posted by amy on April 12th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree

No wonder there’s a substance abuse problem in society today. With the absurdity and incompetence of the world how can one be expected to make it through the week day hour without a nip, snort, sniff, snuff, smoke or something that momentarily prevents you from repeatedly banging your head against the wall. Or setting yourself on fire and rolling out in front of fast-moving traffic.

To prove my point I’ll describe one (just one, mind you) of the idiocy hurdles I had to jump this past week: 

I step in to help my co-worker on a project that involves producing an in-house video. No problem with that. After a whirlwind of scheduling studio time, securing a freelance editor, script edits and working with nearly unacceptable raw footage we ended up with a pretty decent video in just a few days. The last step was to ship the master to a dubbing studio where 4,500+ copies would be made and added to a composite of other materials. Thus, forming a launch kit for all our field locations. 

The next logical question was “How do we handle Fed Ex here?” Inquiring minds want to know. At least, inquiring minds with a need to have a package delivered by the next morning.

I was told to fill out an in-house shipping form and tape it to the Fed Ex envelope – but not too much or it will rip when the shipping center takes it off but not too little or it will fall off before it reaches the shipping center. From there the shipping team will use information from in-house form to fill out the Fed Ex form, paste it to the envelope and drop it in the mail.

Wait a minute?

Did you say I fill out a form and then someone else recopies that information onto another form? In these trying economic times I’m all about someone keeping their job but really, wouldn’t it just be better if I filled out the Fed Ex form myself and we did away with the middleman process?

Yes, that is how it is done. Even more disturbing is that the in-house form has no carbon copy, number or tracking information of any kind. It’s simply a black-and-white, Xeroxed form. You have no way of actually knowing if your package makes it to the company shipping department nor do you know, for sure, if it’s made it into the Fed Ex stream. Until, of course, you get a call at 10:30 a.m. from someone asking WTH is the package you promised to send. At that point you might as well go mix a martini (and here’s where we start with the substance abuse).

You know what else?

You won’t be able to answer them unless you hiked over to another building and personally delivered your package to the shipping department and asked them to give you the Fed Ex tracking number. Remember, someone else fills out the Fed Ex form for you and this in-house form is about as helpful as mowing your lawn with hair clippers.

Now this is exactly what I did. Not because I’m always, always extra diligent (lord, I hope my boss does not read this) but because I had to. I put the envelope in the pick-up box right before my 3 p.m. meeting, as last pick up was at 4 p.m. When I walked back by it was 4:15, my envelope was still in the bottom of the bin (yes, I looked) and the sign was posted stating last pick up of the day had been made. WTF?

Sigh….I grab the envelope, beg someone to show me where the shipping room is and delivered it personally. It’s almost 4:30 and the pick up by the actual Fed Ex people is at 5 p.m.

I get there, hand over the envelope, tell them when it needs to arrive and ask if they can give me the tracking number. I’m thinking I’m in the home stretch now.

Think again.

Clerk: Where does this need to go?

Inside voice: It’s written on the freakin’ package? Can’t you read?

Outside voice: Utah, Salt Lake City.

 

Clerk: What is it?

Inside voice: WTF do you care?

Outside voice: Uh, a DVD.

 

Clerk: Why does this have to go so early? Do you know it’s really expensive to ship overnight?

Inside voice: No shit Sherlock. I haven’t spent 12+ years in Corporate American without learning the ways of Fed Ex.

Outside voice: Yes, I realize that but we’re in a time crunch and this has to get there by tomorrow morning or the studio won’t be able to make the 4,500+ copies needed for our campaign.

 

Clerk: Why didn’t you have the dubs made here?

Inside voice: MYOB bitch! Gee, this might have escaped your attention but in the latest company “reorganization” the AV department lost more than half its staff. This project didn’t make their priority list.

Outside voice: Gee, this might have escaped your attention but in the latest company “reorganization” the AV department lost more than half its staff. This project didn’t make their priority list.

 

Clerk: You know, this is really expensive to ship overnight.

Inside voice: Yeah, I think we covered that.

Outside voice: Look, this isn’t really my project. I’m just trying to help get it completed. I didn’t set any of this up or make these decisions. I’m just trying to make sure the DVD gets their on time.

 

Clerk: Ok, but it’s going to be expensive.

Inside voice: Hmmm…I’ll bet one of the three other people in this room would narc on me if I kill her. That’s too many bodies to hide.

Outside voice: Thanks, I appreciate your help.

Shots, anyone?

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