Posted by amy on April 21st, 2009 — Posted in Quotes
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~Bill Vaughn, quoted in Jon Winokur, The Portable Curmudgeon, 1987
After a visit to the beach, it’s hard to believe that we live in a material world. ~Pam Shaw
Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time.
~Motto of the Baltimore Grotto, a caving society
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
~George Carlin
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Posted by amy on April 12th, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
No wonder there’s a substance abuse problem in society today. With the absurdity and incompetence of the world how can one be expected to make it through the week day hour without a nip, snort, sniff, snuff, smoke or something that momentarily prevents you from repeatedly banging your head against the wall. Or setting yourself on fire and rolling out in front of fast-moving traffic.
To prove my point I’ll describe one (just one, mind you) of the idiocy hurdles I had to jump this past week:
I step in to help my co-worker on a project that involves producing an in-house video. No problem with that. After a whirlwind of scheduling studio time, securing a freelance editor, script edits and working with nearly unacceptable raw footage we ended up with a pretty decent video in just a few days. The last step was to ship the master to a dubbing studio where 4,500+ copies would be made and added to a composite of other materials. Thus, forming a launch kit for all our field locations.
The next logical question was “How do we handle Fed Ex here?” Inquiring minds want to know. At least, inquiring minds with a need to have a package delivered by the next morning.
I was told to fill out an in-house shipping form and tape it to the Fed Ex envelope – but not too much or it will rip when the shipping center takes it off but not too little or it will fall off before it reaches the shipping center. From there the shipping team will use information from in-house form to fill out the Fed Ex form, paste it to the envelope and drop it in the mail.
Wait a minute?
Did you say I fill out a form and then someone else recopies that information onto another form? In these trying economic times I’m all about someone keeping their job but really, wouldn’t it just be better if I filled out the Fed Ex form myself and we did away with the middleman process?
Yes, that is how it is done. Even more disturbing is that the in-house form has no carbon copy, number or tracking information of any kind. It’s simply a black-and-white, Xeroxed form. You have no way of actually knowing if your package makes it to the company shipping department nor do you know, for sure, if it’s made it into the Fed Ex stream. Until, of course, you get a call at 10:30 a.m. from someone asking WTH is the package you promised to send. At that point you might as well go mix a martini (and here’s where we start with the substance abuse).
You know what else?
You won’t be able to answer them unless you hiked over to another building and personally delivered your package to the shipping department and asked them to give you the Fed Ex tracking number. Remember, someone else fills out the Fed Ex form for you and this in-house form is about as helpful as mowing your lawn with hair clippers.
Now this is exactly what I did. Not because I’m always, always extra diligent (lord, I hope my boss does not read this) but because I had to. I put the envelope in the pick-up box right before my 3 p.m. meeting, as last pick up was at 4 p.m. When I walked back by it was 4:15, my envelope was still in the bottom of the bin (yes, I looked) and the sign was posted stating last pick up of the day had been made. WTF?
Sigh….I grab the envelope, beg someone to show me where the shipping room is and delivered it personally. It’s almost 4:30 and the pick up by the actual Fed Ex people is at 5 p.m.
I get there, hand over the envelope, tell them when it needs to arrive and ask if they can give me the tracking number. I’m thinking I’m in the home stretch now.
Think again.
Clerk: Where does this need to go?
Inside voice: It’s written on the freakin’ package? Can’t you read?
Outside voice: Utah, Salt Lake City.
Clerk: What is it?
Inside voice: WTF do you care?
Outside voice: Uh, a DVD.
Clerk: Why does this have to go so early? Do you know it’s really expensive to ship overnight?
Inside voice: No shit Sherlock. I haven’t spent 12+ years in Corporate American without learning the ways of Fed Ex.
Outside voice: Yes, I realize that but we’re in a time crunch and this has to get there by tomorrow morning or the studio won’t be able to make the 4,500+ copies needed for our campaign.
Clerk: Why didn’t you have the dubs made here?
Inside voice: MYOB bitch! Gee, this might have escaped your attention but in the latest company “reorganization” the AV department lost more than half its staff. This project didn’t make their priority list.
Outside voice: Gee, this might have escaped your attention but in the latest company “reorganization” the AV department lost more than half its staff. This project didn’t make their priority list.
Clerk: You know, this is really expensive to ship overnight.
Inside voice: Yeah, I think we covered that.
Outside voice: Look, this isn’t really my project. I’m just trying to help get it completed. I didn’t set any of this up or make these decisions. I’m just trying to make sure the DVD gets their on time.
Clerk: Ok, but it’s going to be expensive.
Inside voice: Hmmm…I’ll bet one of the three other people in this room would narc on me if I kill her. That’s too many bodies to hide.
Outside voice: Thanks, I appreciate your help.
Shots, anyone?
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Posted by amy on April 2nd, 2009 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
So I did something the other day I would never think of doing. I had dinner at a gas station. Well, I guess technically it wasn’t a gas station. It was actually a gas station/convenient store that had been converted into a Mexican restaurant.
Yep, now that sounds worse than when I just said I ate at a gas station.
There were no gas pumps, no air hose/tire gauge, no counter of heat lamps scorching down onto countless rows of fried fancies (a requisite for any filling station in Arkansas) or rows of overpriced, packaged snacks situated next to the always-needed combo of perfume, band-aids, and batteries. Despite the absence of these fine features we knew the truth. You could see it by looking at the glass door wall coolers filled with bottled beverages, the unnecessarily high register countertop and the covered parking outside where I can only presume gas pumps once spewed forth sweet, sweet fossil fuels.
I probably wouldn’t have chose this place on my own. But after receiving a personal recommendation and returning from a hike to Hawksbill Crag absolutely famished (who knew walking could drum up such an appetite?) the man and I decided to give it a shot.
Good food. Not your typical Tex-Mex that we Gringos like to cal “Mexican” but more of what I would imagine is authentic Mexican. I can’t tell really tell you what we ordered because the menu was in Spanish. Maybe this is what makes us think the food was authentic. Anyway, my Spanish is limited to “no hablo espanol” at which point I immediately revert back to English, the language everyone should know because it is what we Americans speak and everyone should do what we do.
I do know that my entree had chicken in it – tasted like chicken anyway. And it was a burrito – looked like a burrito anyway. And I think I had a taco because there was beef and a little bit of veggies on a tortilla which I folded over and ate. Anything with fillings, folded over and eaten is a taco. Unless, of course, it’s a sandwich. Maybe I had a Mexican sandwich, not a taco.
I can’t remember the name of the place because, that to was in Spanish and me no hablo espanol. And because I’m not familiar with Springdale I can’t really explain where this place is (this blog is getting more and more helpful, isn’t it?).
Was it on the main drag? Maybe, I don’t know what the main drag in Springdale is and I don’t remember what street we were on. I do know that it was on a corner and there was a grocery stores across the street.
There, that should narrow it down. Go check it out. You might be pleasantly surprised.
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