Posted by amy on December 27th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Having minimal holiday spirit this year I went about my activities with less of a Martha Stewart approach and more of something akin to Erma Bombeck.
We didn’t put up a tree this year. Instead we chose to have a Christmas “Chair.” This was a spare seat from our dining room set where we stacked the wrapped gifts in order to keep them from getting mixed up with the other things on the living room floor we didn’t bother to pick up and put away.
It was unfortunate that my pecan pie never “gelled” up and swam around in the pie plate like decaying tadpoles all evening. Upon discovering I only had sugar free pancake syrup I decided to make due. It never really entered my mind there would be a big difference and even if it had it’s not like I was going to go to the store on Dec. 24 to buy the real thing. I don’t even like pecan pie.
By keeping a close eye on your family as they unwrap gifts you can easily pull out the invoice before they can read it. This saves you the trouble of having to open and reseal any gifts you’ve ordered! Just wrap it up straight from the mailbox.
You know, in a pinch masking tape works just as well as scotch tape for wrapping gifts. However, when forced to choose between masking and duct tape, I highly recommend the former.
If your nephews have enough gifts to keep them occupied on Christmas morning you can stand around nonchalantly and drop candy into their still-hanging stockings as they shred the wrapping paper in a crazed frenzy. They’ll never know you forgot to give their mother the candy you committed to picking up for her.
You should be able to pass off leftover Jello/Cool Whip salad from the night before as a brand new dish for a different dinner on Christmas Day if (key word here) you remind your husband not to say “Oh good, I didn’t get to eat any of that last night.”
And yes Virginia, that leftover red wine from Thanksgiving found in the back of my sister’s refrigerator was still good. It only burned my throat on the first drink but if you tip the bottle back far enough that will stop the discomfort.
Hopefully these escapades won’t get me kicked out of the elves union and I can have a clean slate for next year.
Cheers!
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Posted by amy on December 21st, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
As you finish your Christmas shopping, wrapping, baking, ….whatever it is you are still trying to accomplish I’d recommend taking a break and reading Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. It’s a collection of six short Christmas stories with lots of humor and wit. And it also makes a nice coaster for your rum and coke.
If you can’t get around to actually reading the book you can get a sampling from NPR as Sedaris recounts his experiences as an elf at Macy’s.
David Sedaris – Crumpet the Elf
Enjoy.
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Posted by amy on December 21st, 2008 — Posted in Quotes
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. — W.C. Fields
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. — Johnny Carson
Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! — George Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. — Dave Barry
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. — P.J.O’Rourke
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. — Dennis Miller
Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. — Clark Griwsold, Christmas Vacation
It makes one’s mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. — David Sedaris, Santaland Diaries
At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year. — Thomas Tusser.
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Posted by amy on December 20th, 2008 — Posted in Quotes
Nothing ever tastes bad with a little extra cheese on top, it just never hurt a thing in its life.
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Posted by amy on December 20th, 2008 — Posted in Quotes
I think no matter what the occasion may be, you can never go wrong by showing up at the dinner table with a hot plate of fried chicken.
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Posted by amy on December 19th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
While living in Kansas, a state well known for its flat, non-descriptive terrain, we had several trees in our yard. Now that we live in Arkansas (the Natural State) with a deserved reputation for rolling hills and trees there is not so much as a small sapling around.
How ironic.
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Posted by amy on December 18th, 2008 — Posted in The Kitchen
This is the pie I made once for my Classic Movie Night group – you know, back when I used to have friends around to that kind of stuff. Anyway, it was a big hit and I’m finally getting around to sharing the recipe as requested.
BONUS: You can make ahead, freeze and bake later. Mrs. Smith has nothing on Mrs. Schiska-Lombard.
- Pastry for one, 9-inch crust pie
- 3/4 C. sugar
- 1/4 C. flour
- 1/2 t. nutmeg
- 1/2 t. cinnamon
- Dash of salt (not even sure I used this)
- 6 C. chopped apples, something tart
Crumb Topping:
- 1 C. flour
- 1/2 C. magarine or butter
- 1/2 C. brown sugar
Mix all crumb topping ingredients until crumbly.
Heat oven to 425. Prepare crust. Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon and salt. Stir in apples. Turn into pastry-lined pie plate. Sprinkle apple filling with crumb topping. Bake until crust is brown and juices begin to bubble, about 50 minutes. If baking from the freezer it will probably take 1.5 hours. Just keep an eye on it so it does not get too brown on top.
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Posted by amy on December 17th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
Apparently in Northwest Arkansas it is perfectly acceptable to roam about publicly in your pajamas. Randy and I were in Wal-Mart last Saturday around 10:30 a.m. and counted at least four people in their pajamas – one complete with green fuzzy house slippers. Now you are probably thinking “It’s Wal-Mart. Of course they were in their pajamas.”
I assure you that in the entire 12 years we lived in Kansas City I never saw anyone, not even a small child, in their pajamas in any store, not even Wal-Mart. Maybe I lived a sheltered life in Johnson County.
Gimmee shelter.
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Posted by amy on December 14th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
After packing what seemed to be half of the earth’s contents into boxes we were finally ready. The 48 foot moving truck arrived and remained parked outside our house for the next four hours while the movers determined how best to stack and cram our stuff so precious things labeled “DVD boxes” and “basement shit” could arrive safely the next day in Bentonville. Following some moderate cleaning of the house and crating of the cats Randy and I headed south as well. Surprisingly Lucy did NOT puke in her carrier. Not surprising Shirley DID cry in her carrier most of the way.
The big truck rolled in around 8:30 a.m. the next day and for the next two hours it was an amazing display as the movers efficiently transferred all of our stuff to the rental house in semi-organized piles. We made amazing progress unpacking and were pleased to discover there is no need to rent a storage building. We should be able to just stack stuff in the attic, garage, second bedroom, closets, under the bed and in any other unfilled crevice. Bonus: nothing appears to be broken!
Things We’ve Learned Along the Way:
- Our house IS indistinguishable from all the others on the street, especially at night. Randy thought I was exaggerating the week before when I told him I pulled into the wrong driveway.
- The Frigidaire Ultraquiet III is truly just a marketing tag line for the dishwasher. It is about as quiet as a small freight train at dawn.
- When you move into a brand new house be sure you have a mailbox AND that the U.S. Post Office actually recognizes your new address. Apparently neither has happened for us so the two weeks worth of mail that was being forwarded from Overland Park has either been returned to sender or is somewhere in U.S.P.S. limbo. No one can give us a straight answer on where our mail is, when we will get a mailbox or when our address will be granted official status. And the government is baffled at why the post office is running in the red. Hmmm….let me count the ways. BTW, UPS had no trouble successfully delivering a package to us in Arkansas last week.
- As one of the last border-town stops leading into a dry county the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jane, Mo. has an amazing wine selection. Sorry folks, no Ryan’s Cream.
- While the movers did not benefit from the obnoxious color-coding system I created for our boxes it has been extremely helpful in helping Randy and I sort and unpack. There is justification for my neurosis.
- Movers are the way to go. No well-meaning advice from relatives, no sense of beholden commitments to friends, just people there to lift the heavy stuff and then leave you to sort it however you please. Amen.
So, here we are with one more day to unpack and organize before I go back to work. The cats are beginning to adjust although we had some concerns.
- Shirley – so traumatized she wouldn’t even come out of the carrier. This after crying for nearly four hours because she had been put in one. She was restless and cried most of the night. “I wanna go home!”
- Lucy – holed up in a corner and glared. “You bitch, where have you taken us?”
- Ethel – prowled the house until she found the special treat. “My, my, my is that cat nip I spy?”
- Hippo – as only a silly little boy can do, was ignorant of the upheaval and took great pleasure in the new toys I had bought to ease their transition. “Wow, look! The woman bought a scratching board. And a cat tunnel that crinkles inside.”
Alas, we have no picture of our chaotic adventure since the batteries ran out on the digital camera before we departed Kansas. I know we have more around here somewhere. They are probably packed with the wine glasses or small framed photos, all which were coded orange for long-term, climate controlled storage. They could also be with office supplies which are coded yellow and destined to be unpacked right away. Or could it be they are in with Halloween decorations (pink coded) and are destined to wither away in the attic?
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Posted by amy on December 7th, 2008 — Posted in Mayor's Decree
As most of you know, Randy and I are moving to Northwest Arkansas because I have accepted a position at the Home Office of Wal-Mart. I know, I know I’ve had some freak-out moments of “WTH have I done?!” but let’s wait and see how this goes before we pull any fire alarms and drag out the life boats.
I started Dec. 1 with the first 1.5 days being filled by the obligatory orientation. I’m quite certain corporate orientation sessions are not much more than another step of the weeding out process for candidates. If a typo in your resume, late arrival to an interview, a stain on your suit or just general poor presentation didn’t get you thrown out of the running you are subjected to endless hours of company history, rules, regulations and just general rah-rah talk to see if you can take it without expiring of boredom or insanity. In the case of Wal-Mart this was done in near sub-zero temperatures. Not only was it around 30 degrees outside but, if asked, I would have said it was about the same temperature inside. And that was before cool air started pouring out of the vent above my table. Yes, chicks are always bitchin’ about being cold (so says Friar K) but given that several other people in the room (including guys) spent the day roaming around in their coats I think the freeze out was for real. Could it be just another weed-out tactic?
Save Money. Live Better. HINT: You can save a little more money if you are NOT running the air conditioning in December.
The remainder of the week was spent trying to figure who is who, what is what and WTH I am supposed to be doing. Two things I’ve learned so far – well, three if you count locating the bathroom: Wal-Mart is HUGE and Bentonville is small. So far everyone has been nice and helpful and only moderately shocked that I have no children but four cats. You can imagine how much fun it was explaining that one while trying to find a place to live. Really, I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, some people have that many kids and I can assure you that four children would do far more damage to a house than our cats. There’s really nothing a vacuum and big roll of tape couldn’t take care of. At any rate, with a roll of their eyes and an additional security deposit someone was willing to rent us and our four cats a house for six months. Randy and the cats stayed in KC while I managed to move in a few essentials to get me by temporarily. With the exception of having to get up and go to work each day, I pretty much lived a cross-breed life of a bum and an anti-social college student by spending my evenings horizontal on the futon (which also doubled as my bed) watching DVDs. This worked out much better once I was able to move everything closer assuring that I would not have to actually get up to start the DVD. The remote has apparently been packed away somewhere. A special shout-out to my sister for lending me the first two seasons of Sex and the City, especially since she hadn’t even taken them out of the shrink wrap. 
I’m in KC this week working remotely and helping Randy to finish the last of the packing. Better get done soon. The movers come Thursday.
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